emptiness

This blog is so simple. So empty.
Kind of like my mind right now. Its 1:30am  where I am(New Zealand) and even though I can feel exhaustion creeping over me, I don't feel like sleeping. I would rather drink some Earl Tea and wait patiently for thoughts to walk by.

My boyfriend is sleeping at the moment. We have been going out for just over a year now, in case you wanted to know. He is perfect, and thinks I am too. I wish I could say that about myself...

I haven't had social anxiety, general anxiety in a full blown state for about a month now. I don't know how I overcame it, maybe it was the look in Brian's* eyes when I had seen that hurting myself with my thoughts was hurting him.
Hahaha, here I am wishing for thoughts, when just a few months ago I was going insane and would do anything for a quiet mind.

I did have a weird thought today. I was looking at someones Tumblr blog, a girl I know of. She is severely anorexic  and it made me reflect on the year I was. It just after my dad was diagnosed- It was my form of grieving, my counselor said. Today, I almost got mad at myself that I stopped. Which is insane as I thought I was happy with my curvaceous figure. But today, without even meaning to I purposely didn't eat till dinner.

It's amazing how we decide to change, but our mind can so easily fall into a routine it hasn't touched in years.

Its Christmas on Sunday, I used to be excited about it, but now it just feels broken. No dad.
But I am smiling even now cause I know my mum will wake us up early, and dance to Lady Gaga in the lounge with our two dogs. She will make me coffee and her coffee as we are the only ones who enjoy it! She will light up the whole room, regardless of the morning sun, or the tree lights, the day will be brightened by mum. I look forward to it.

I still don't know what to get her, if only my bosses weren't assholes who didn't pay me for a month, then I wouldn't have needed to quit. Then I would buy my mom anything and everything she ever wanted.

One day soon, I will win the lotto. Then I will give it all to her so she will never have to worry about money again.


Thats my plan, and it WILL happen.