21/12

I slept in till 12 today. I love sleeping, but when I have a compulsion to keep a routine I get upset that I haven't woken up early enough to complete it.
I am staying at my boyfriend's dads house in another city, the house is next to a giant field with a massive hill, and at the top of the hill are huge tree stumps. When me and my boyfriend go for our after dinner cigarette we climb the hill and sit ontop of the stumps, looking down at all the identical houses. This morning I was meant to wake up and run up that hill a few times. I feel like I am not doing anything. My partner is at work all day, so all I have to do is sleep, watch tv, and get excited when he gets home. I really do love him.
I was also meant to have a long hot shower and wash my face two times(I get compulsive over it). But sadly that was ruined too.
I watched 101 dalmations today, it was cute as always, but also made me sad. I remember watching it with my dad and all these memories drowned my reality until I felt sick watching.

I am still contemplating not eating much. Thats how I did it the first time, I slowly started cutting back until I was only eating half of dinner at night and running insanely. But that was also when I was dedicated to Rowing, so it was a little cover, as I could just say "I have lost weight from rowing". What is my excuse now? "I lost weight flicking through the endless channels"?

I was also thinking I would just eat small meals throughout the day and run a lot. But I really don't want to lose my boobs.

My compulsive ex used to hit me occasionally, and the main place he would target were my breasts. When I had an eating disorder he would yell at me for making them too small, and when they grew he started hitting my thighs saying I was too big.

He injected me with this immense hate towards my breasts.

My boyfriend now loves them, and they have grown since we met. I am just scared that if I do lose weight, and sadly lose boobage, he won't find me attractive anymore. Which is stupid he says, cause he explains that love is love and he is attractive to me, not purely my boobs.

I need a job, something I will enjoy. I am going to start emailing local little boutique stores in my area and see where I get.

I haven't heard anything from my University about getting into my BA in Psychology, I'm getting worried and its slowly but surely dripping out anxiety I have tried to shelf. If I don't get in I can try another Uni, but I really don't want to. Also I will look like a failure. I have always wanted to be a writer, but I realise I would need a back up plan. Hopefully if I get accepted in this BA I can request for a conjoint course and do a paper in creative writing.


On that note, I started a new story/book the other night. This one feels right, like I am not going to sick of it and that for once I will follow through. I need to believe in myself, and so do you. I am 18 and I already regret not fulfilling my potential. I guess it is never too late. But still the sooner the better, right?

I had a dream last night that I made my own clothes. I have always wanted to do this, but never gave it a go. I will look into it. Who knows, I may become a designer/writer/counselor. OHHH that pay check makes me excited.

P.S occasionally I will have blogs that are more like diary entries, but every now and then I may be more creative and write poems or help blogs. It really is a mixture of everything. I hope someone is out there reading all of this. If so please comment.

emptiness

This blog is so simple. So empty.
Kind of like my mind right now. Its 1:30am  where I am(New Zealand) and even though I can feel exhaustion creeping over me, I don't feel like sleeping. I would rather drink some Earl Tea and wait patiently for thoughts to walk by.

My boyfriend is sleeping at the moment. We have been going out for just over a year now, in case you wanted to know. He is perfect, and thinks I am too. I wish I could say that about myself...

I haven't had social anxiety, general anxiety in a full blown state for about a month now. I don't know how I overcame it, maybe it was the look in Brian's* eyes when I had seen that hurting myself with my thoughts was hurting him.
Hahaha, here I am wishing for thoughts, when just a few months ago I was going insane and would do anything for a quiet mind.

I did have a weird thought today. I was looking at someones Tumblr blog, a girl I know of. She is severely anorexic  and it made me reflect on the year I was. It just after my dad was diagnosed- It was my form of grieving, my counselor said. Today, I almost got mad at myself that I stopped. Which is insane as I thought I was happy with my curvaceous figure. But today, without even meaning to I purposely didn't eat till dinner.

It's amazing how we decide to change, but our mind can so easily fall into a routine it hasn't touched in years.

Its Christmas on Sunday, I used to be excited about it, but now it just feels broken. No dad.
But I am smiling even now cause I know my mum will wake us up early, and dance to Lady Gaga in the lounge with our two dogs. She will make me coffee and her coffee as we are the only ones who enjoy it! She will light up the whole room, regardless of the morning sun, or the tree lights, the day will be brightened by mum. I look forward to it.

I still don't know what to get her, if only my bosses weren't assholes who didn't pay me for a month, then I wouldn't have needed to quit. Then I would buy my mom anything and everything she ever wanted.

One day soon, I will win the lotto. Then I will give it all to her so she will never have to worry about money again.


Thats my plan, and it WILL happen.

I am tired of starting new blogs, and then not carrying through with them.
I guess I get upset that noone reads them, and it makes me feel....incomplete? Like I am willing to expose my soul to the world, but for once no one is there to see it.

Where to begin?

I am eighteen. I believe I have found the love of my life regardless of the fights we have. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 15. I want to be a writer/counselor. My mother is my light, she is my heroine and I would be a dead girl if it was not for her. I am fucked up. I have loads of potential to do things like sing, draw, photograph make movies. But I don't, instead I build doors of excuses.

I am trying to change. To find new meaning, and better value in my self.

I am just a young woman, battling with society.